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hey there!

Welcome to my home away from home. I'm sharing my life in San Diego, and beyond. I hope you're here to stay awhile!      ~ caitlin

I DIDN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED

I DIDN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED

First, some background; I’m a child of divorce. I grew up with parents who were in love one day, and fighting the next. It really confused me; I thought marriage was supposed to be happy, full of rainbows, sunshine, puppies, and you know… that Disney Princess Fairytale! I saw the opposite and it made me question if marriage was something I wanted for myself.

These thoughts stuck with me through the early years of our relationship, our engagement, and up to our wedding day. This anxiety had nothing to do with being in a long-term relationship, rather everything to do with ‘forever,’ the word ‘wife,’ and planning a wedding. I didn't understand the need to change anything if we were happy as we were? We were together for 3 years before seriously discussing marriage and spending the rest of our lives together. Likely as a result of my up-bringing, I was never the girl who fantasized about her wedding day. I felt guilty because I didn't have dreams about getting married, and thought it made me cold-hearted.

My husband and I disagreed over the entire concept of marriage and what that would mean for us (aka ME). To me, marriage meant divorce and broken families. To him, it meant a lifelong partner… someone to share a life with.

Sometime in the summer of 2015, my best friend Kelly and I were having a conversation about life and the general confusion one feels in their twenties. What is next? Where am I going? What am I going to do with my life? This conversation naturally transitioned to Sean and marriage, which naturally led to tears; I loved this man so much, but for some reason was scared shitless to marry him.

BECAUSE WHY?

Because I’m scare of commitment.

I’m scared of fighting about money.

I’m scared to sign a document.

I’m scared and in denial about marriage.

I’m scared to plan a wedding without my late father.

I’m scared of divorce.

I’m scared I’ll never be ready.

Here’s the thing: You’re never really ready for anything in life. I faced these fears, and realized how irrational they were. If I can picture myself with this man for my entire life, why was I so scared to marry him?

The best part about being an adult is that you are in charge of your own life. You decide how to handle situations and control your environment. I decided that if I was scared of these things, then I had to be able to do my best in the marriage to avoid them.

Now that I AM married, I would never take it back. Being married has made me more secure than ever in my relationship.. I know where I stand (H-B-I-C, yo), I know what direction we’re moving in, we are a team, he has my back, he’s fearlessly loyal… truly, there is nothing I needed MORE in life than to marry Sean. All of those fears left the door as soon as we said, “I DO".”

Anyway, on our one year anniversary, I felt compelled to share some brief insight into our story. Regardless of what you see on the internet, not every tale is what it seems.

Truth is, marriage is really scary for some of us, and that’s okay…

You are not alone.

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